The Linux Extremist

Dear Spammers:

Drop dead. I mean it, drop dead, the lot of you.

I am sick of receiving your crap in my inbox all day. It used to be manageable when I was receiving 10 - 15 pieces of it. I could laugh it off and say “What morons!” about anyone who would respond to your poorly written advertisements. Now it’s escalating to 30-40, sometimes 50 pieces of spam a day and I’m absolutely fed up with it.

Let’s make something clear -

1. I don’t buy drugs from people online; I go to a doctor and a pharmacy like a normal person.

2. I particularly don’t buy drugs from Canadian online drugstores. I’m in Britain. Canada is a very long way to go.

3. I definitely don’t buy drugs from people who can’t correctly spell the name of the drug they’re selling.

4. Oh, and I don’t need Cialis. Sending e-mails over and over again trying to sell it to me may kill my will to live, not make me want to buy your product; which considering the disreputable means by which you sell it, is probably nothing more than pill shaped chewing gum in bubble wrap.

5. I know that you’re trying to scam me when you offer me the stolen millions of a dead Nigerian dictator. Stop trying to pretend you’re sincere. No, really, I don’t believe you, you lying rotters. Shut up, do shut up.

6. I know that Mira, 25 years old, from Russia is not writing to me. I kind of figured that out since I’m not on any dating sites. Also the fact that I’ve been receiving the same message from “her” multiple times over the past week gives the game away.

7. Addressing the spam to Frank, Henry or Bill isn’t going to work either, particularly since this is not my name.

8. Using,”re: your letter” in the title is a dirty trick, but easily spotted.

9. The title, “You didn’t respond to my instant message!” doesn’t work either.

10. Nor does putting “Sexy housewife” in the title.

11. Nor does offering new opportunities for gold mining in China.

12. Nor does telling me to invest in a new stock; if it’s such a big secret, why are you blasting it to the known world?

And finally, offering me the chance to blast e-mails and join you, the Ring Wraiths (”neither living nor dead”) of the Internet, is not going to work either.

You are all wasting my time, soaking up my disk space and my bandwidth and generally making me extremely determined never to buy anything from someone who utilises spam to market their goods. Perhaps you don’t understand this, but you are considered the scum of the earth; when a spammer gets caught and punished, people laugh. When people talk about stuffing spammers in plastic shredders or putting them before firing squads, the automatic response is a smile before civility kicks in. There are endless seas of hatred flowing towards you; if they were to manifest themselves in physical form, they would sweep you off the face of the earth.

Do I expect you to stop? Not until your form of marketing irritates so many people that it becomes unprofitable. However, that day is coming. One day, spamming will become a relic of a barbaric past on the internet, and hopefully you will all be broke, living in a refrigerator box in a Rangoon sewer and eating phony Cialis tablets for the remainder of your short, pitiful lives.

I hope you all rot in Hell, and that Satan shoves large porcupines up your rectal cavities every day whilst you’re in perdition.

Yours sincerely,

Ivan Groznii

Trackback URI | Comments RSS